Improve Listening Skills

“He knew the precise psychological moment when to say nothing”

-Oscar Wilde, The picture of Dorian Gray

I am sharing the learnings from my recently read books which helped me improve my listening skills.

Inspired by one of the tools from the Book "People Tools" by Alan C Fox  here is the first Tool/Tactic for Scrum Masters.

1. “Have a Nonversation”

Before talking about Nonversation, lets talk a bit about conversation. What happens in a conversation? both parties that are involved converse over a particular topic, consider this example where during a conversation someone gives you a feedback to change something, you have two choices:

• You can have an Intent to learn: Treat feedback as a gift and explore possibilities with a growth mindset, this leads to agreement, engagement, collaboration and good feelings between two people.

• You can have an Intent to defend: Becoming defensive to the feedback and trying to explain with a fixed mindset. Our arguments only produce more anger and withdrawal, this may lead to no conversation or Fahrenheit 451 conversation that simply continues the problem. We need a better tool or mechanism “Nonversation”- Only one of the conversation partner talks turn by turn, other just listen.

In a Nonversation I listen, and I say nothing (no cheating by making faces, or looking at the watch, just listen). No answers, no promises, no expectations, just listening. I allow other person to talk and vent out everything. Sometimes, you can often get your messages across effectively in a Nonversation than in a conversation. At the least your conversation partner will feel heard, which is a great thing in itself.

As a lifelong learner I found that there has never been a downside when I had an intent to learn and there has seldom been an upside of having an intent to defend.

As Scrum Masters we encounter tough, unpleasant conversations from time to time. The key to successfully navigate them is truly listening to what other person has to say.

2. Acronym RASA

Second technique I learned after watching Julian Treasure’s ted talk

RASA is the Sanskrit word literally ‘flavour, juice (of food’).

And RASA = "Receive," which means pay attention to the person; "Appreciate," making little noises like “Yeah”, "hmm," "oh," "OK"; "Summarize" — the word "so" is very important in communication; and "Ask," ask questions afterwards.

I have found this acronym as a very powerful tool to practice listening genuinely .

3. Improve your Listening Attitude

My 2 cents from reading the book “ The Business of Listening” by Diana Bonet Romero.

What kind of a listener are you? Bored? Conscientious? Distracted? Thoughtful?

First step is to identify your listening attitude. Which attitude persona do you fall into?

Unconscious attitudes such as interrupting, getting distracted, jumping into conclusions, daydreaming or uninterested are barriers to becoming effective listeners.

Few things that could help you improve your listening attitude could be:-

Check your DQ (Daydream Quotient): We all daydream, many of us almost 50 percent of the time. Try this out, in your next coaching conversation, check your DQ by becoming mindful of how often you get distracted. Ask yourself, Am I thinking about what I’m going to say next? If the distraction rate is at least once per minute, chances are you need more attention and self-discipline in your listening.

Another tool to help succeed in becoming a good listener is use your DISC drive.

Desire: Listening is not a half-hearted process, it requires commitment and commitment comes from desire to listen.

Interest: According to the writer G.K. Chesterton, there’s no such thing as an uninteresting topic; there are just uninterested people. Develop interest to be an effective listener.

Self-Discipline: Helps in eliminating distractions and become more attentive

Concentration: Concentration is little different than being attentive: - Being attentive you juggle balls, and you concentrate when you juggle eggs.

Listening is a gift, as a Scrum Master this is the best gift you could give to your Scrum team so give it generously.

Conflict Management

Sample interview questions: 
How are you at dealing with conflict? 
What do you do when you disagree with others? 
Do you open up or close down in conflict situations? 
How do you handle disagreements?

1. Pick a Good Example:
• Choose an example that shows you taking an active approach to resolving an important conflict.
• Be specific. Don’t give a general answer like, “I deal with conflicts all the time and have learned to stay calm and that communication is key.” It’s boring and it doesn’t answer the question.
• Don’t choose a minor disagreement (“He didn’t want Italian for lunch”) or a conflict that was resolved by someone else or just went away without direct action. The idea here is to show off your interpersonal skills and problem-solving ability.
• Avoid examples that could make you look bad. For example, don’t share a time when your mistake or miscommunication CAUSED a conflict.

2. Get Specific About Your Actions
• The most memorable and compelling stories include enough detail to paint a picture. Show why this conflict was important and that you handled it capably.
• However, you must make an effort to keep the story concise. It’s very easy to go off on tangents (especially if you haven’t prepared in advance). Keep it focused.
• Stick to bullet points. Don’t try to memorize a script.

3. Practice
Take the time to practice telling your story. This is especially important when telling a story about a conflict.
Conflicts often lead to arguments, problems, and damaged/broken professional relationships. You want to feel confident discussing the sensitive details in a way that gets your points across.

Similar interview questions: 
How are you at dealing with conflict? 
What do you do when you disagree with others? 
Do you open up or close down in conflict situations? 
How do you handle disagreements?

Why the interviewer is asking this question:
The interviewer is looking for information that normally would not be offered on the resume or as part of the standard interview response--how the candidate deals with conflict. Many otherwise excellent employees have seen their downfall in how they handled (or didn't handle) conflict. The interviewer knows that most candidates will not offer up true conflict situations, so the practiced interviewer will continue to drill until a real example is provided.

The best approach to answering this question:
Talk briefly about the conflict, but focus on the resolution of the conflict. 

An example of how to best answer this question for an experienced candidate:
"I recently had a conflict with an employee in another department who had a project which was dependent on work being done by myself and two other members of our team. He had sent a rather urgent e-mail accusing us of derailing his project. I had never met him before, so I asked to get together with him for coffee. I asked him to walk me through his project and the inter-dependency of his project with our project. I then walked him through our project and timelines. Once we had the opportunity to communicate our independent priorities, we could begin talking about our shared priorities. We agreed to a timeline that would help us both meet our goals and the conflict was resolved before it became a major incident."

Art of Escalation

Art of Escalation: 
Escalate issues judiciously & appropriately. Escalate too many & frequently, and it will appear as though you are not competent in your job. Escalate too rarely, and others may have to help clean up problems that could have been avoided had they been informed of them earlier.

What & When issues should be escalated? This may be easiest done with an honest conversation with your boss to understand what types of issues he/she expects you to manage on your own, and what types of issues he/she expects you to discuss or escalate. Different managers have different approaches and want different levels of involvement.

Knowledge: Check if you you have truly reached a point where you can do nothing more — have you tried everything you can possible think of including consulting others and you still are not able to resolve the issue?

Articulate the issue: Clearly and concisely explain the issue and your expectations. Provide enough context without delving into unnecessary detail.

Provide alternative solutions: Make sure to highlight the different possible solutions and the benefits / detriments of each.

**What is the expected outcome you want? Clearly state what you are looking for your boss to do. Do you need a yes/no answer? Does he/she need to discuss the issue with someone else? Is there a specific action that you need your boss to take? Is there a specific date by which you need an answer or resolution? Or, are you escalating just so your boss is aware of potential future issues?

Influencing Assertiveness Interpersonal & Interaction

The Influence Skills

As the TOPS model shows, influence effectiveness is partly a function of the skill with which the influencer uses an influence technique. Like a skilled craftsman, it takes time and practice to perfect those skills.

People who become highly skilled in the areas described below can be extraordinarily effective at leading and influencing other people.

©Serban Enache/Dreamstime.com

The research on power and influence shows that there are twenty-eight skills associated with influence effectiveness. These skills fall into four categories: communication and reasoning, assertiveness, interpersonal, and interactive.

Communication and Reasoning Skills

Logical reasoning

The ability to think logically, to analyze problems and identify logical solutions to them.

Analyzing and displaying data visually

Skill at creating charts, graphs, illustrations, and other visuals that clearly convey the relationships among data points and communicate ideas and conclusions clearly in visual form.

Finding creative alternatives

Being creative and innovative; the ability to see alternatives and solutions where others haven’t; skill at “thinking outside the box.”

Probing

Skill at asking insightful questions that lead others to the heart of the problem or issue.

Speaking conversationally

The ability to engage people in casual conversation; skill at conversing on a number of topics; being a skilled conversationalist.

Conveying energy and enthusiasm

Bringing energy and enthusiasm to interactions and situations; being naturally energetic and engaged; the ability to get others energized.

Listening

Skill at actively listening to others; being engaged in others when they are speaking and accurately hearing and retaining the essence of their thoughts.

Assertiveness Skills

Asserting

Skill at stating an opinion with confidence or force; presenting ideas strongly and affirmatively; maintaining one’s position without becoming aggressive.

Persisting

Skill at enduring steadfastly; continuing on one’s course despite opposition or resistance; being insistent and tenacious.

Behaving self-confidently

Having faith in one’s own judgment, abilities, and rights; projecting firmness and steadfastness in one’s purpose, directions, and goals.

Behaving authoritatively

Skill at projecting authority; behaving as though one has the legitimate right to use authority; clearly stating a decision, conclusion, or course of action.

Using a compelling tone of voice

Having a strong, firm, and resonant voice; the ability to command attention when one speaks.

Using assertive non-verbals

Skill at using strong and confident gestures, facial expressions, and body language; projecting confidence and assurance through all the non-verbal aspects of communication.

Using authority without appearing heavy handed

The ability to command others and use legitimate authority without being overbearing, clumsy, oppressive, or harsh.  A key skill in using the influence technique stating.

Interpersonal Skills

Being friendly and sociable with strangers

Skill at opening up to and engaging with people one does not know; being outgoing and conveying warmth, acceptance, and interest in strangers.  A critical skill in the influence technique of socializing.

Showing genuine interest in others

Skill at conveying genuine interest in other people; being authentic in showing care, concern, and curiosity in other people; skill at making others feel important.  A critical skill in socializing and appealing to relationship.

Having insight into what others value

Having a strong, intuitive understanding of other people and what is important to them; skill at discerning what others value without them having to say what it is; interpersonal perceptiveness.

Being sensitive to others’ feelings

Skill at understanding others’ emotions and empathizing with them.

Building rapport and trust

Skill at building harmonious and sympathetic relationships with others; skill at conveying trust in others as well as causing them to feel that one can also be trusted; establishing trustful connections with others.

Building close relationships

The ability to create trusted friendships and close relationships with other people; skill at sustaining intimate and friendly relationships with others over a period of time.

Supporting and encouraging others

Skill not only at helping and encouraging others but conveying that attitude as well; giving aid or assistance to others; and promoting, advancing, inspiring, or stimulating others and encouraging them to forge ahead.

Interaction Skills

Convincing people to help you influence others

Skill at enlisting others’ support and assistance in influencing others; skill at building agreement and cooperation and a unified sense of purpose, particularly in approaching others and trying to persuade them as well.  The most critical skill in the influencing technique of alliance building.

Resolving conflicts and disagreements among others

Skill at managing conflict; the ability to identify core issues, find creative and mutually acceptable solutions, and reduce the emotion in situations that prevents resolution; skill at mediation.

Building consensus

The ability to mediate differences of opinion and reach solutions that others can accept; skill at creating harmony and agreement among people who initially disagree.

Taking the initiative to show others how to do things

A strong interest in and desire to teach others; skill at coaching, teaching, advising, and helping others in developing their skills and abilities.  An essential skill in the influencing technique modeling.

Bargaining or negotiating

Skill at reaching agreement with others over an exchange of things of value; skill at discussing terms and reaching a satisfactory agreement in a settlement, bargain, or deal.  Crucial to the influencing technique of exchanging.

Willingness to ask others for favors

The ease and comfort with which one is willing to ask other people for something done or granted out of kindness or good will.  An essential ability in appealing to relationship.

Willingness to do favors for others

One’s willingness to do something or grant something to others out of kindness or good will and with no expectation of renumeration.  An essential ability in appealing to relationship.